slacking.

im pretty sure sam and kristy are the only people that read this blog. lol

well, the holidays came and went. it's now valentines day, ironically, another holiday. I was never really big on today, because there are so many show-offs and so many bitter people. I am just happy to be in the same time zone as my valentine this year...although we both have class, so let's see if we get to spend some time together. after all, it is suits thursday.

i am still unemployed in pensacola. it's been tough on me, physically, emotionally and mentally, because i am used to working for my own. carlos has been super supportive, and never complains, although I'm sure he's ready for me to get a job too. i just have too much financial responsibility, and can't even justify being unemployed. the sad truth is, i have done so many interviews, but they all ask me the same question - "what does your fiancé do?" which is totally illegal, by the way. I know what you are thinking- "don't tell them about carlos. don't tell them about the navy". believe me, i avoid the topic as much as i can. but when employers do the worst and ask me personal questions to get to know me, they use that information against me. they are afraid of hiring military affiliated people, because we are not locals who stay here in pensacola. i have no problem telling people about me or my fiancé, but i do have a problem when they start discriminating against us. i'm sorry, but being a local is not a BOFQ, so why does it matter? i'm pretty sure I'm the most qualified and educated of all your applicants, anyway. not to sound rude and petty, but i am in so much overwhelming debt by school that i want to be able to use the perks that i've earned by them! it's pretty frustrating, but i don't regret going to NYU at all. let's just hope i win the lotto, or a lawsuit or something to pay that debt off.

living in florida is definitely different. i can actually be nice to people here. except the drivers. they all suck. and for the love of God, i need to write to the DMV owner of florida and tell them to change the books, because NEWS FLASH: YOU CAN MAKE A RIGHT TURN WITHOUT STOPPING. its true, shockingly enough. i really don't want to be involved in any more accidents, and nothing is more annoying than someone who makes a full and complete stop on a highway to make a turn into a pop eyes or gas station or something like that. GAH. but i have palm trees in my yard, and don't even need to have uggs. which makes me sad, i like my uggs.

i do miss my family and friends from home a ton! there are a lot of nice girls around here, but it's not home. I'm sure most people feel like i do though. SO , everyone needs to come visit, because we have a guest room and i miss people who say 'caw fee" and "dawg". i'm beginning to lose my jersey. i know, i sound like one of those obnoxious jersey girls, but i love the state because i moved out of it. truth be told, i really can speak normally- coffee, water, dog. but its pretty funny to see carlos get frustrated with my "accent" if it slips out. whatever. lol

my classes are pretty interesting. i don't get to take management and HR courses at NYU, so the fact that i could take them at UWF and transfer them toNYU to count toward my degree is pretty awesome. a lot of them are organizational behavior based, management based, and about staffing, training and development. i start a marketing class soon, which should be pretty fun as well. its keeping me really busy, but what else do i have to do? it'll all be over the first week of may- for good! yes, my classes will be over in may and i graduate in september! providing i actually get this thesis up and running. professor battle, have you seen any of my emails? have you read my proposal? lol.

i've also become quite the chef, if i do say so myself. cookings fun when its for two people. and carlos and i have started the insanity workout. we are on week five already, and we've definitely seen results! i am so excited to see what i look like in another month, and quite terrified at the workouts that are coming up. but itl be for good. i went from hardly working out anymore to working out everyday six times a week. it helps that i have someone to work out with though- and to yell at tanya for being a bitch . (disclaimer: this is the tanya in the insanity workout video who is always fake smiling and being so obnoxious during the workouts. does not reference any other tanya, including my beautiful grand little. ).

overall things are good, and can always get better. xo!

i thought i knew what hectic was.

until november hit.

Between balancing full time graduate school, work, TAing, finding a salary job in Pensacola, arranging my whole thing with school down south, my thesis, planning a wedding, and a move across the country? I am WAY in over my head!

Please keep praying for me ; it seems that things are beginning to fall into place. School at UWF is set up for me ; and i can transfer all of my classes to NYU no problem, thanks to my fabulous advisor at NYU. I will be receiving an NYU degree at a fraction of the cost! Looks like my couponing has gone to the ultimate extreme- I'm even saving on college tuition at one of the priciest schools in the country (;  I pray that nothing springs up at the last second to ruin things for me! Hopefully, my job hunt will be OVER, if i ace my upcoming interview. I don't think I've ever been so scared for an interview in my life. Once that's over, I can start budgeting my new salary and figure out whether or not i need to get a new car! if you know anyone who knows anything bout buying or selling or trading in cars, please let me know.

Now, thankfully, I can focus on my finals and pull off that 3.67 i am hoping for, and get a 3.5 GPA ! This month of december is going to be one crazy 30 days. and it's only just getting started.

Christmas? what's that?

because Sam and Kristy told me to.

I have been harassed to update my blog :P So here it is!

Let's go chronologically:

June:
Carlos got assigned to Intermediate, which he completed
I flew down to florida for his 23rd birthday, which I am very grateful I was able to do.

July:
I was in New York doing classes the entire month. He was in flight school continuing intermediate. He had an opportunity to go to the Airshow in Wisconsin one weekend, which was great for him, but not so great now that I look back on it. He got food poisoning, but felt guilty calling IMSAFE (which is the code for , " i can't fly cause i'm gonna screw up") so he flew and did terribly. the XO wasn't too pleased, especially because Carlos wanted E-2s and the XO is an E-2 guy.

August:

I finished my summer classes and was still unemployed, so I spent the rest of the month (until labor day ) in Florida. Very blessed for that 3 weeks with him! Of course, i kept in constant touch with my family at home :)

Carlos was scheduled to finish intermediate any day now, so we started planning to move to Norfolk, VA. Where after the FRS, would determine if we stayed there, moved to Point Mugu (aka MALIBU), CA, or Japan. Me going down to Florida was also to help him pick our home and move our stuff. Of course, the day before I-grad, someone asks Carlos if he was interested in going P-3s instead. OF COURSE he said yes, because that's what he wanted all along. So the paperwork began and we were approved unanimously for JAX! That made me SO happy, because if we can't have Malibu, I wanted "real" Florida. A large city with plenty of career opportunity, and TWO HOURS FROM DISNEY. (and my grandparents, who were even more excited than we were). Unfortunately, the new commodore decided to overturn and reject all transfer requests, so now Carlos was stuck going back to E-2s....unless, of course, there were no more spots for him.

September:
I come back to NJ, because I had nowhere to live in NY. Carlos is still on the verge of not knowing what his job is/if he has one. I get housing in NY and move back. I love my new place and enjoy this area of town about a trillion times more than the East Village. Also helps that my roommate is not super rich and expects me to shit money out of my ass to go here, there and everywhere. In fact, she's the opposite. Whatever.

I love my classes. All of them. I TA for undergrads, intro to psych. My consumer behavior classes are fascinating, and my professor for cog psych is such a goofball, i can't help but like him too. I am really grateful for this!

we were afraid carlos was going to get a trident from the flight program, because they effed up his e-2 spot, and we didn't know if they'd send him anywhere else. we were prepared for the idea of him going civilian. it was a nerve wrecking time in our lives.

Carlos, however, was drafted to go to ADVANCED to fly jets. Now, nobody is more proud of him than I am (his parents , ok fine, but still, i rival them. i am his biggest cheerleader). but the fact that none of us WANTED jets really pisses me off. oh, and unless we end up in virginia beach, i can kiss any career goodbye. I need marketing/consulting opportunities , or my masters is useless. or some type of university. I am not paying almost 200k for an education i can't use. . He now wants f-18s out of Virginia. I am praying we get that. praying praying PRAYING.

october:
i flew down for the navy ball/my birthday/fall break. loved it. moved into a brand new place and its gorgeous. perfect for me, him and our cat :) . i am in the process of decorating from afar and he is very pleased with the living room furniture selection. we feel like grownups and its kind of exciting :)

carlos started advanced, and its not kicking his ass yet. yay!

i got a job as a party hostess at Dylan's Candy Bar. clearly putting my bachelor's degree and graduate school experience to work. that was dripping with sarcasm.

i turned 22. its okay, because i felt like i was literally 'forever 21".

i am planning to move down to pensacola, if i can find a job there, in january. i am transferring elective credits from UWF INTO NYU, and am working out the kinks with registering, etc. everything is approved, and i am very excited to be paying less than the price for ONE CLASS at NYU for four classes at UWF.

finally being with my fiancé and having a real job and my degree will just be absolute bliss. not that living with carlos is gonna be fun. he smells and can get really annoying. but that just means hell be a normal husband, which is fine by me. lol

looking forward to some great things happening! hopefully :D

sad, blah, mopey, blah

the title of this post is probably enough to make you want to just click the 'x' button, or say 'what is this girl going to complain about now?' but i promise, i make some valid points, even when I'm sad.

i never thought i'd be the one to say this, but i miss college. it hasn't even been a month after graduation, and i already miss it. but not for the reasons everyone else probably does. in fact, its for the exact opposite. you see, college life to a lot of people involves a lot of partying and drinking. i am not that person- i'll go out occasionally, when i am in the mood to . but i am just as content with staying in and hanging out. i am a very social person, but i'd prefer to go to apple bees or something with my friends and just chill rather than go to a bar. i love to dance, but i have to be in the mood to go out.

moving to new york sounds like every person's dream. and for a while, actually a very long time, it was mine too. i moved into my bedroom in my apartment, in alumni hall at new york university, and was ecstatic. unpacked my stuff and marveled that this was real life for me. i finally made it to my dream school. the next morning, i woke up. and realized that i essentially had nothing. i don't know anybody at this school. now, i can make friends. I'm a very social person, no matter what. but being a grad student, especially during the summer, doesn't really allow for many opportunities to make friends in class. so the people i talk to are my apartment mates. we all have single rooms in our apt. they are nice. actually two of them are nice girls. i do not like one of them, at all. but that's okay, i can deal. thats life. but what i realize about these people, and all of their friends i've met, is that these are not the people i want to socialize with. I'm sorry, but i don't really plan on taking ecstasy every night while blasting house music and getting wasted at the bar . i also don't sell drugs. my parents do not pay for my education, even though my dad makes a three figure salary. i am independent, even though i don't even have my bachelors degree mailed to my house yet. these are not the kind of people i want to associate myself with. it just makes me sick how these girls don't need to work because mommy and daddy give them money, which they spend on the stupidest shit. it makes me question their moral values. it is also very important to them who they know- perhaps that is just cause we are in the city. but its not everything in life.

i guess i just have different life perspective than these girls do. but sadly, most of the people here think lik ethat. which makes me question whether or not i belong here. i love the classes i can take and am registered for . but i do not like living in the city if these are the people I'm stuck with. i guess its a curse that I'm so social, because now i've been so alone and constantly on the phone and in my room. my roommates probably think I'm insane because i don't go out all the time with them. but thats just not me. it also helps that I'm engaged and they're all single. i joke around and call myself the old lady, but in reality, it doesn't have much to do with carlos.

having two of my friends from home visit me was absolutely phenomenal. not just cause i had people i knew, but because for a while, i felt like myself again. enjoying the city with people i know and love. having fun, being with my friends. talking and laughing.

i don't feel like myself here in new york. probably cause being myself in a situation i don't like, is not me. at all.

p-grad shenanigans

so on tuesday, the day after i moved into new york, carlos found out some pretty important news. after lots of hard work and dedication, he did not get selected for the p3 plane he wanted so badly. my heart broke for him. he took this very seriously, despite the fact that he did everything he was supposed to be selected. he was chosen to go to intermediate and fly jets instead. now you probably are thinking 'wow he's complaining cause he gets to fly jets?' well, we understand its a huge blessing and a great opportunity, but if carlos is unhappy, what is the point? there were many reasons we wanted p3/p8s, but now that we are going jets, we have to replan everything. i just feel so badly for him, because he feels that his hard work was unnoticed, and he was passed over 3 times. he had his heart set, which he cautioned himself against, but it still hurt. my only fear is that he hates his job. i hope that soon, he finds the good in his new job and everything works out!

i went from rutgers 2012 to nyu 2013....in two weeks.

On May 12th and 13th, 2012, one of my major life goals was accomplished. I graduated from college, and it was everything i thought it would be. Going to the RAC that Saturday, wearing my cap and gown and seeing all of the other psychology graduates there, lined up, made me realize that I, indeed, was graduating. iT WAS REAL. i never really felt like a college graduate up until that moment. the idea of graduating was sort of a burden because of the stress that planning brought with it. but sitting in that chair, looking up at the stands, at my mother, brother, sister, fiancé, and future mom, dad, and sister in laws, cheering me on, made everything so real. walking up to the stage was nerve wracking, but i got that piece of paper and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. i am a college graduate. people work their whole lives for that moment, and that honor and i have achieved it at the age of 21. a lot of work, money, and craziness went into that, because my college journey was not as smooth as everyone else's. but it got me where i need to be, and i can't complain.

sunday was just as exciting. except it was much hotter, and i nearly passed out, but seeing my father's face after i walked up from the stadium made it all worthwhile. he is so proud of me, and my achievements. i hadn't wanted to go to the big graduation on sunday but i am glad i did, so both of my parents had the opportunity to see me graduate college!

i was really stressed out about college graduation itself, because my parents impending divorce makes arranging family situations much more difficult. dad does not want to be anywhere near mom, but mom wanted to be everywhere. at the same time, dad did nt want to be embarrassed of the divorce around my in laws, and also did not want to see any of my moms family . thankfully, that all worked out well.

as for post graduation worries? well, i was so anxious about not having a job for several months. i am NOT the kind of person who takes unemployment well, because i tend to spend money when i'm not doing anything. i can't sit still. however, i am trying to take it in stride, while focusing on other things, like settling into grad school!

i went from a phase where i LOVED ny, to a phase where i HATED being here, to a phase somewhere in between now. new york is definitely an adjustment. i moved to a brand new place that i still don't know so well, but at least i can get around by walking or subway. but most of all, i moved away from family and friends, and about an hour further from my fiancé. it sucks, but i'm trying. i was blessed with an amazing opportunity and i gotta continue with it!

here's to four years on the banks of the old raritan  ! and about a year in the big apple (:

how i know i made the right choice.

Life decisions are never easy. This one was probably the hardest of all . As time goes on, however, i am getting more and more certain that medical school was NOT for me. This article, puts that in perspective.

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/healthyperspective/post/2012-04-26/survey-shows-best-worst-paid-doctors----and-many-regrets/681256/1

NYU

So about 10 days ago, I got an email that changed my life. I was notified of my acceptance to New York University, again. This time, however, it was for my Master's Degree. I was in shock, ecstatic. I was given a second chance at my dream school.

I was bummed about not being able to move with Carlos after graduation, but we were both so very excited at the prospect, now reality, of me moving to the city for school. I felt on top of the world, nearly invincible. For almost 22 years, i've worked so very hard and it's paying off. i felt so proud of myself.

But now, as everything is starting to settle in, i am suffering from insane anxiety. trying to get everything done so quickly, while graduating, while studying, while working 5 days a week, while dealing with my family's bullshit, including playing chauffeur, is really getting to me. i'm definitely not the person to disappoint anyone, and i get shit done. but this is affecting my health and sanity.

lucklily, i got off of work pretty early, so i tried to start filling out loan applications and deposit. of course the site isn't working for me, so that's fun. but i tried googling the tuition that i have to pay, and it says 1380 per term per unit. So a 36 credit masters is almost 50 thousand dollars. without housing. i felt the wind, the hope, the excitement literally fly out of my body. i felt absolutely hopeless. i'm seriously considering not going anymore, because by the time i get these loans out, its gonna cost me nearly as much as my entire undergraduate loan, for ONE YEAR of graduate school. that is fucking INSANE. i can't even deal. I'm going to be in debt forever. now, a doctorate degree is looking pretty near impossible, financially. i'm going to be half a million dollars in debt by the time i finish school.

i really just want to cry hysterically right now. i can't deal with all of this stress. i'm not the kind of person who gives up and quits, but this is just so insane. i have way too much on my plate and i need to relax. but i have no TIME to relax.

senioritis

anyone who has been keeping up with my Facebook statuses, or life in general, know that i am seriously so unmotivated for school. i have one month left. and i don't study. I'm lucky i go to class. although i do things like this  (i think i almost just missed a clicker question). going to class is the only way i still remember i'm a student. its hilarious, because I'm starting graduate school soon, but i'm so mentally checked out of school. it's pretty bad.

i'm just so excited for the things that are up and coming in my life. i'm still toying with my life. do i want to go to into fashion? do i want to stay in psych? i just really want my own business, and a doctoral degree. those are the two things i want, career wise, out of life. i don't know how to get them, because nothing will fulfill me until i do. i just want to have a good life and enjoy myself. I'm excited at the possibility of moving, but I'm excited at the possibility of going to an amazing school. i'm most excited, however, at the inevitability that i will FINALLY know what is going on, and not freak out about the uncertainty of my future.

still waiting for grad school updates, working on a job, and trying to see if/where i'll be moving with my fiancé! i will certainly update you all, and probably be a hell of a lot less stressed out. hopefully ill be skinnier too, with the loss of my lack-of-diet due to stress (:

a really necessary update.

So. the last time i logged into my blog, i wanted to write about my feelings regarding the premature deaths of two people i graduated high school with, class of 2008. Lukas Horvath and Kayla Ogorek both died this year, barely a month apart, of drug-related issues. Kayla, from what i understand, was pressured into trying heroin by her 'boyfriend', who watched her die of overdose. Lukas, from what I hear, used regularly, but the idea that he has a son who is barely a year or so almost doubles the intensity of the situation. Deaths are always a terrible tragedy, and the fact that they are SO young makes it even worse. They were by no means bad people. Maybe they could have made smarter decisions, but I personally knew them and they were funny, nice people. It's a shame that they were taken from us so young, so full of life. I hope they rest peacefully in heaven, where God will care for them.

It's just such a reality check. Nobody is invincible. God makes all the decisions, but for all the right reasons, no matter if we can see them now or not. We need to trust in Him and believe that these happen for good reason. Deaths at age 22 and 21, less than four years after our Sayreville War Memorial High School graduation, in June 2008, in the pouring rain and storm. i pray that we can all enjoy life and keep on the right path.


I went to write this blog post on March 11th. Sunday, March 11th, 2012. I was sitting on Carlos's couch, typing away as he and his friend Allison were preparing for a flight that they were supposed to have the next day. After Allison left, I closed my computer, intending to finish this post. Now, however, I have another event to write about, to continue it.

Going back to my feelings about these two deaths, I realized that life is not what everyone else wants for you, but what you want for yourself. Taking advice from people you love and trust is important, but people can't influence your every decision. You won't be living for the right ones. At the same time, you need to use reason, judgement, and intelligence with your thinking and decisions. Sometimes things really don't make sense, and they don't have to. but you've got to trust yourself, and if you do, things will work out the way you want them to.

March 11th, 2012 was the best day of my life. Carlos took me to the beach, at NAS Pensacola, and after a while of sitting and relaxing, presented me with gifts, and wrote/sung me a song. It was in this song that he asked me to marry him. I can't really explain the joy, the relief, the amazement, the happiness, and the contentment i feel when i think about this. when i replay the scenario, the song, his words, the rush of excitement in my mind. there's no other feeling in the world than to be loved. Carlos and I wanted to 'feel' like we were engaged before we actually were. We did not want our engagement to 'push' our relationship to a level it was not ready for. and although it SUCKS being far away, 1200 miles apart from my fiancé, we know we are stronger than ever, and we have done everything possible to make our relationship now and in the future as smooth as possible. i am excited about maintaining my own life and career, but i can't wait to be his wife one day :) i get choked up just thinking about it :)

why did i include all of this in one blog post? they both bring each other into perspective. life decisions are very important, and what you do at one moment can affect the rest of your life, and others too. when i think back on my life four years ago, right out of high school, ready to tackle the world, i never dreamed i'd be where i am now. i thought my life would be completely different- accepted into medical school, with a higher GPA, same friends, etc. who would have thought i'd be majoring in psychology and education, working in a restaurant with some great people, i'd be engaged to a naval flight officer candidate, visiting places like the United State Naval Academy, Annapolis, Baltimore, DC, Pensacola, among others. meeting girls from all over the country that have really changed my outlook on people, in a good way. my point is, life takes its turns so fast and before you know it, your life is totally different than it was a year ago. keeping God in your decisions, strength and happiness in your mind, and the people who love you as well, will lead you on a path that may be different from what you expected, but will make you happier i the long run.

and i'm so glad that is exactly what i did.

the trip i shouldn't have had.

carlos and i try to see each other at least once a month, usually every 4 or 5 weeks or so. of course, this requires a lot of money management and work on our parts, but its always worth it. because of scheduling, after i flew down in january, i wasn't supposed to see him until spring break in march. 7 weeks may not sound too terrible, but we had gotten into a few fights, and it's valentines weekend and all. so anyways.

tuesday, our professor told us we would not have class on friday. now, thurs- sunday with no classes? sounds perfect! just for kicks i checked flight prices, and they were all over 900 dollars. i told carlos and he was upset at the situation, but jokingly shrugged it off, - after all, its OUTRAGEOUS tos pend that kind of money on tickets. i worked, and slept and woke up for classes on wednesday. after my public speaking class let out, i checked again, out of curiosity/crazy hope. and luckily i did. i found an AMAZING flight deal on hotwire.com for 280 round trip!!! after hectic switching around of work schedules and shaking hands, i hit 'book' and got the deal. i was scheduled to leave in less than 20 hours from newark airport. the day consisted of class, running around getting schoolwork together, and packing! i had previously promised carlos' sister marcella that iw ould spend wednesday with her, so i did. and it was great! i love that girl (: her mom was nice enough to let me stay over and drive me to the airport the next day. pensacola, here i go!

i had planned to surprise carlos with this trip, but with the crazy navy schedule it's pretty hard to do something like that, cause itll go wrong more likely than not. but i had to tell him and he was in disbelief and so excited!

thursday my friend lauren picked me up from the airport and took me to carlos' house (: thanks again! carlos had a minute to eat a quick lunch and then had to go back to work. when he came back, we went to his friend's house to study, since they had an exam and i did too! friday, he did his exam, got some work done and came home to me (: we went out that night to dinner and a movie and seville  quarters with another friend of his and his "girlfriend", and that was fun as well! safe house, by the way, sucked. i fell asleep, lmao. seville was fun and the piano bar/club was interesting, haha. saturday, we spent a good portion of the day relaxing, and went to a friend's house for his birthday, and out to dinner later on .

although it was a super short weekend, it was definitely a lot of fun and we got a lot of quality time together with friends and each other pretty much watching how i met your mother while cuddling on the couch when we werent out of the house. florida is beautiful,always, and i felt so blessed to be there much sooner than expected.

it was really nice and exciting to get a few days with him that i totally didnt expect. now, this wait till spring break will seem like nothing at all <3 thanks for a wonderful weekend baby!

not paying attention in neuropsych

which is exactly what i should be doing. oh well.

clearly, i need to stop forgetting i have a blog.
thanksgiving was wonderful, and the rest of fall semester went well too! i earned a 3.375 for the semester, even though i SHOULD have had a 3.5, thanks RU screw. oh well, christmas was great and new years with my boyfriend was perfect.

2012 is off to a great start, looking back on january. christmas break, whatever little time i got with my boyfriend was much needed. i worked every day until the semester started again, but the culmination of API brought carlos a weekend where he wasnt super busy, and was perfect for a visit! i flew down wednesday afternoon on 1/18, and left monday morning on 1/23. visiting him in florida gives us a little taste of typical daily life together- grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. as strange as it was, i loved it, and secretly i know he did too (; it was also really awesome to see one of carlos' best friends since forever, brian, when he drove down to pensacola from columbus, ga. he of course, didnt help in the we-need-to-get-out-of-the-house-and-do-something phase i was in, as they just wanted to watch tv. even so it was a nice relaxing weekend. and seeing jenny and melanie and meeting elizabeth and matt and nick and luis, made it fun too! dinner at shark fin was fun and so was going out to miller's . i personally LOVED the fact that at home there was snow , and i missed it by being in 75 degree january pensacola weather. leaving is probably the worst feeling in the world, and that is how i know that me and carlos are meant for each other.when everything reminds you of that person.

the new semester is going well, although i've been busy with work and interning as well, so i should be trying to focus more on school. my classes are really interesting, surprisingly enough.  i was just accepted into graduate school, so at least i have something. my next project is applying to more schools in new york, and finding a decent salary job while im grad school. my only concern is that i know i am moving after my masters, to wherever carlos gets assigned. i just hope that i dont get screwed over by leaving a job to move.


.i really miss him so much, its definitely a rollercoaster, this distance thing. not cause i dont trust him or vice versa, but simply cause we miss being with each other. hanging out, watching movies, date nights.all that stuff. it just really blows not being able to see your best friend. i haven't seen him since i left, even over webcam. our schedules just clash so badly, and were both exhausted by the end of the day. i can only tell myself to toughen up and get over it so often. sometimes i just want to be sad. another wedding season is coming up, this time with the 2012 girls. its just annoying knowing that i still have over a year or so left of distance. i am hoping we can get married after my masters and carlos' winging- it just seems like the right time, when we both are moving and starting new parts of our lives. why not start together? plus, at that time, we will have been together for over 5 years., and i will be 23 and carlos will be 24 and a half. am i crazy, cause i think that sounds like a good point in time to get married? i dont know. whatever. nothing pisses me off more than people who barely know each other getting married and not having to put up with bullshit like i and so many other women have done. thats the annoying part.

dont get me wrong, im not jealous and im not bitter. im just annoyed, but i know the choice we are making is right and i know itll pan out well.

  however, i am super excited that my good friend samantha is also included in this 'wedding season' , and i couldnt be happier for her and her fiance chris! congratulations sam, if you are reading this.

i guess i should get back to paying attention to this lecture, but i can barely see, my contacts are foggy. who am i kidding, im going to sign up for pinterest now.

ramble and word vomit.

Sometimes, I find it really funny that I want to blog, and write about everything I experience, and how I feel at the time. I think it could be really therapeutic if i kept up with it like I should. I feel that I don't have patience for anything anymore. I legitimately believe that I have some kind of ADD, or focusing problem. I have a lot of trouble remaining on task for more than a few minutes. Whether it is studying, paying attention, or whatever. Perhaps its just things that I don't find useful. Like school. Don't get me wrong , learning and education are very important and definitely put someone on an easier path to a successful career. and i dont plan on dropping out. i just find that the politics and the bullshit of school and college and most things in life really override the genuineness (is that a word)of  it. so many things in this world are meant to be useful and beautiful and great. but people screw them up. people and their greed or anger or selfishness, ruin it.

i've started cutting  people out of my life, because ive learned that there are many people i don't want to be like. the statement that you are  like the people you surround yourself with is very true. i have learned that i surrounded myself with people who were raised similarly to me.. however, it also became clear that i actually grew to become my own person, and matured with college and the dawning of real-world responsibilities, like bills and work and balancing one's life. it's just hilarious to me that people consider 'college' to be 'real life'. HELLO? studying for an exam is stressful,but it is NOT the real world. when mommy and daddy still support you, and allow for you to be able to focus entirely on your studies and social life, then consider yourself very lucky. however, don't cry when you get shoved into responsibility. sometimes my life is very stressful and i worry how i'll live after not working for a few days, but in the end, knowing that i can support myself at the age of 21 (and earlier) makes me feel like a successful person. I found the man that i'll love forever, i know how to survive on my own and independently, and i am working towards a brighter future for myself, which leads to a better life for my (future) family.

i guess i dont really know why this is such a big deal to me now, probably because i am a really social person who has decided to not keep in steady touch with over half of her friends. but acquaintances are always better, anyway.

i am really looking forward to a wonderful holiday, with family, my boyfriend back home in new jersey, and shopping! we are also going to look at engagement rings, which i really was not expecting, because i thought it would just remain a giant surprise till he proposed. but its really exciting to see that he feels ready enough for this. we definitely plan on being together for the long run, but its just so relieving andmakes this all REAL that we (okay, HE) is taking it seriously now! i can't wait to be engaged, marriage can wait, but i cannot wait to know for sure that carlos and i can start building our future together. i know its going to be bliss ! (okay, maybe im exaggerating, it'll probably consist of a lot of  exasperation and sighing and head-shaking, mostly cause of his videogames and constant farting) but hey, it could be worse?

senior year, semester one.

So reading my previous post made me realize that this blogging stuff is definitely not for me. i dont have the patience for this. currently, i'm in class and my friend is saddened by this message, haha. :)

but things from last post are not so palm-tree like, since i am back in dirty jersey. which is the best state in the union, i must add. haha. anyways. this semester has been SUPER hectic with my 400 levels, applying to graduate schools, my job and my internship! it's been really crazy trying to manage everything, just because i'm trying to make time for a minimal social life and a long distance relationship. but so far it's working, and i'm praying it stays that way.

october was the best month ever. homecoming was a blast and we beat navy! duh (: my 21st birthday was also a great time, with some wonderful people. and later that week, i flew down to see my boy for the first time in roughly 7 weeks. let me tell you, there is nothing quite like the feeling of a hug after such a long time. i know that i'll eventually have to go longer, but it was still the best feeling to feel my face light up upon seeing hi m pop out from behind the fake palm trees in the pensacola airport waiting area. that was the start of a literally perfect weekend, and i couldn't have asked for a better time. looking forward now, we only have SEVEN days<3 a week left! so excited to have him HOME<3

my internship is pretty interesting so far, the students are great , but i definitely know that i will NOT be going clinical, cause Lord knows i cannot deal with mentally ill patient forever. i want my kiddies in schools!

i'm starting to get anxiety about grad programs, and how much this is all going to cost, time and money wise. i really really hope i get int where i'm applying. So far its UWF, Montclair State, Monmouth University, NYU and Columbia. AHHHHHH im getting a headache just thinking bout it.i really really hope i get into the 36 credit programs, so i can finish by fall of 2013, which is hopefully when carlos will get winged! i am praying for SOME sort of timing to work out and for the navy to NOT screw us over. some normalcy, please and thanks.

so things with my parent re much better but i am super nervous about carlos meeting my family for the first time this thanksgiving. especially cause i dont know where its leading. i know theyll love him, but they are too damn opinionated for their own good. sigh. can't handle guyanese people. theyre too loud. sigh. but we shall see how this goes!

and no, i am not engaged.yes, my boyfriend is an ensign. no, we arent splitting up. no, i am not a midhound.  no, i do not know when he will propose. and no i will not put it on facebook. you didn't miss anything....
incase you were wondering. (;

a REALLY overdue post.

So, where should I pick up from ? Working all summer? the start of the school year, maybe.
But first, I'm going to explain my mini vacay to pensacola, florida.

On August 30th, after spending Eid with my sister all day, I drove back to my home on campus and packed. Carlos picked me up, with a super packed Nissan Altima and we got ready to embark down south with his mom. After goodbyes and a few tears, we headed out. We left at 8pm, ESt. Drove through NJ, Pennsylvania, Maryland, West Virginia (wtf is in west virginia , anyway?!), all straight. We stopped in Virginia for gas and to stretch. I fell asleep, and I woke up when we were in Tennessee (another state i never thought i'd end up in).. We were supposed to stop and sleep in Tennessee and rest but my good old boyfriend, who decided he wasn't going to stop, continued onward. Drove through Tennessee, touched Georgia. Completely baffled as to why there was a minimum speed limit, and my good friend Keri Pye explained the tendency of tractors to drive on interestates. Welcome to the South? and then we hit Alabama. Entered Central Time, and it blew my mind. CENTRAL TIME! haha. Alabamatook FOOOOOOREVER. Entered Florida. Cabin fever was unbearable, but thankfully after only two stops the entire trip, we got to our hotel in pensacola! I guess it wasn't what i expected (the town, not hotel) everything was sprawling and so spread out, and there were PALM TREES  !!! we relaxed that day, and met up with his father and little sister who were in pascagoula for work. the next day, carlos checked in to NAS pensacola and i explored the base with his mom. then we found his brand new apartment and he signed the lease!!! friday and saturday were move-in days and organizing/shopping days. somehow ended up in mobile, alabama. never want to go back to alabama again. also STILL didnt see a confederate flag. fail. got to see the navy game with jenny robida and her husband and lauren&aaron rosa at their beautiful home! thanks again for inviting us, lauren! got to meet some cool people and carlos saw some old academy friends. navy won the game! we also got hit with the hurricane, womp. first irene then that one. lol. his parents and sister left on sunday, and afterwards, me and carlos drove to columbus georgia to visit his best friend at fort benning! we spent labor day there and had a good time with brian, including visiting fort benning, the surrounding area, and the national infantry museum. and the shooting range, which i realized was NOT for me when i freaked at the sight ofbullets flying out of a big gun to the wall. STILL dont know how this is a 'family event', and i started crying hysterically. not my finest moment. after that day. then me and carlos drove back to his place so he could be prepared for briefs and stuff the following day. tuesday was a day where we visited the aviation museum on base and pensacola beach! GORGEOUSSSSSS ahhhh love it! we spent the evening watching movies and drinking wine and cuddling. loved love love it. the next morning, he had to report to base and then he drove me to the airport. smallest airport EVER. flew outta pcola to charlotte, and got stuck in charlotte cause newark was delayed. stuck in charlotte for more than 3 hours and finaally boarded and got stuck another hour. got to newark at like 8 or 9ish and back to rutgers later that night! what a trip. can't wait to head back to the beautiful gulf coast and to see my baby again!

A Much-Needed Post

So although I barely have time to breathe, I feel the need to post this. A lot has been happening within the past few days and I'm not really sure how to handle it.

Carlos leaves for Pensacola in a few weeks, and we have been trying so hard to make plans with my mom so he can finally meet her. She backed out yesterday, saying that my priorities aren't straight and she threatened to tell my non-approving father. I left for work and did not go home , I went back to my house in New Brunswick to live on my own. They keep harassing me and telling me to come home. I told them I dont feel welcome at home anymore, and Im angry my parents can't see that I am a good person with my head on straight. I dont give them trouble for any reason other than normal reasons. I dont do drugs, or anything illegal. I'm not a whore, and Im in college, pursuing grad school. The ideas that I dont have my priorities straight is absurd, especially when I support myself and am grown-up enough to accept adult responsibiities. Why , however, can't I have adult priveleges/rights?

It's really driving me crazy because I hate doing this to my family, but I dont trust them anymore. They are always switching the story and dont stick to their words. Theyll tell me everything is ok, and guilt me into coming home , and thn a week later its back to the same shit. I don't feel comfortable at home anymore.

That and telling my father solidified me being betrayed. My father will not be accepting or supportive of this. I am furious and hurt and scared.

My question is, why do I have to fight SO HARD to have something that is NORMAL to have at my age and this point in my life? Carlos is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I love him to pieces. Why would they want to take this away from me?

life update.

i kind of wish my life was more interesting. i know, i know. a navy girlfriend wanting a life of more exotic-ness, blah blah blah. (lol) but anyways.

school is going FAST. this class im taking now is only 4 weeks , so 14 weeks packed into four makes it HECTIC. i should be doing homework at the moment, but this is more appealing

work is going well too, now that i am no longer on anyone elses schedule but my own. i like doing things MY way on MY time, without anyone making me do things i don't want to. aka training. i guess i really am a very independent person.

i really LOVE having my boy home on weekends for the summer. its going to be absolutely heartbreakingly miserable to let him go when he moves to pensacola. i really do think that my absolute favorite place on earth to be is just sitting on the couch, laying on his chest. i could stay like that for HOURS. and having him home makes that so much easier to do! haha.

things have been going well so far, and i'm happy. here's hoping that they continue this way.

shout out to my haters, sorry that you couldn't phase me.

so this summer, i am working as a server at Red Lobster. It's an experience, because I've never served in a restaurant before, but it's pretty interesting. It's SO fast paced, and you'd NEVER think of it like that bc the restaurant is so quiet and serene. It's hilarious, actually. Everyone seems to be pretty chill and like a huge team, as cliche as it sounds. I hope to start making some good money soon, so that I can significantly decrease my bills and save up to afford plane tickets and rent for this upcoming year!

I'm also volunteering for the third summer in a row at Childrens Specialized Hospital. It's a rehab hospital especially for children recovering from accidents or significant trauma. They are so cute and I'm fortunate I get to work with kids! 

My summer class #1 starts next Monday! AHHH! Hopefully it won't be too bad, but I hope that the online professor gives us some information soon....and that financial aid stops effing up my loan! I got it approved before the end of MAY and they JUST credited my bill on FRIDAY! UGH! I hate Rutgers Financial Aid. I wish i was rich and didn't have to deal with it, lol. 

I really love that my boy gets to come home on weekends while hes working as a sailing instructor for plebe summer. He's got great roommates, good friends that are around still TADing, and a beautiful place to live. I'm so happy for him that he has everything falling into place. Oh, and me.... duh (: I can't wait to start our lives together - but not anytime soon, haha. We realize that we are meant for each other, and we know we will be great together. but i *must* finish college, and i dont know where i'm going to grad school yet. It's really hard to plan, because as an NFO, he can leave pensacola after a few months and head somewhere else for school! Then, he doesn't know where he can be stationed! I have a few cities that he gave me as choices, that they can send him too, but there are not many schools with the graduate degree I want. It's going to be tricky, but I'll have to figure it somehow.

As for my family - my mother is starting to accept it much more readily now, and I'm really relieved. I don't have any intentions on telling my dad. You see, the story with my family is that both of my parents are raised in different cultures, neither of which is 'american'. they disagree on EVERYTHING, and my father really hates my mother. It's pretty confusing because I really dont know how to make either of them happy. And when I want to do something that is different than what they believe (for example, an extended curfew or none at all) they get pissed b/c its 'not how they were raised.' basically, my father is the most stubborn arab man you'l ever meet in your life. if you can avoid telling him ANYTHING, do it. because hell just get mad or frustrated or whatever. that's why i dont really tell him anything about whatever, bc its pointless. he doesn't care and he'l just get mad. people wonder why i make this a big deal that i couldn't tell my parents - imagine hiding the most important thing in your life from your family for almost THREE YEARS bc you knew they would raise HELL for it. literally ANYTHING involving him. i had to do the most RIDICULOUS things to keep peace in my house bc of it. ringdance was crazy for me, and commissioning week was even harder. thankfully, i pulled both of those off. but i know that it wont be much longer till i'm graduated and DONE and moved OUT and i will no longer have to hide this relationship from ANYONE. my mom knows and is getting better with it, but its still taking time.

i really can't wait to leave home again because i will never have to deal with this craziness of my house again. people love summer, but i hate it bc of this stress it causes me. itll be over soon though....