ramble and word vomit.

Sometimes, I find it really funny that I want to blog, and write about everything I experience, and how I feel at the time. I think it could be really therapeutic if i kept up with it like I should. I feel that I don't have patience for anything anymore. I legitimately believe that I have some kind of ADD, or focusing problem. I have a lot of trouble remaining on task for more than a few minutes. Whether it is studying, paying attention, or whatever. Perhaps its just things that I don't find useful. Like school. Don't get me wrong , learning and education are very important and definitely put someone on an easier path to a successful career. and i dont plan on dropping out. i just find that the politics and the bullshit of school and college and most things in life really override the genuineness (is that a word)of  it. so many things in this world are meant to be useful and beautiful and great. but people screw them up. people and their greed or anger or selfishness, ruin it.

i've started cutting  people out of my life, because ive learned that there are many people i don't want to be like. the statement that you are  like the people you surround yourself with is very true. i have learned that i surrounded myself with people who were raised similarly to me.. however, it also became clear that i actually grew to become my own person, and matured with college and the dawning of real-world responsibilities, like bills and work and balancing one's life. it's just hilarious to me that people consider 'college' to be 'real life'. HELLO? studying for an exam is stressful,but it is NOT the real world. when mommy and daddy still support you, and allow for you to be able to focus entirely on your studies and social life, then consider yourself very lucky. however, don't cry when you get shoved into responsibility. sometimes my life is very stressful and i worry how i'll live after not working for a few days, but in the end, knowing that i can support myself at the age of 21 (and earlier) makes me feel like a successful person. I found the man that i'll love forever, i know how to survive on my own and independently, and i am working towards a brighter future for myself, which leads to a better life for my (future) family.

i guess i dont really know why this is such a big deal to me now, probably because i am a really social person who has decided to not keep in steady touch with over half of her friends. but acquaintances are always better, anyway.

i am really looking forward to a wonderful holiday, with family, my boyfriend back home in new jersey, and shopping! we are also going to look at engagement rings, which i really was not expecting, because i thought it would just remain a giant surprise till he proposed. but its really exciting to see that he feels ready enough for this. we definitely plan on being together for the long run, but its just so relieving andmakes this all REAL that we (okay, HE) is taking it seriously now! i can't wait to be engaged, marriage can wait, but i cannot wait to know for sure that carlos and i can start building our future together. i know its going to be bliss ! (okay, maybe im exaggerating, it'll probably consist of a lot of  exasperation and sighing and head-shaking, mostly cause of his videogames and constant farting) but hey, it could be worse?

senior year, semester one.

So reading my previous post made me realize that this blogging stuff is definitely not for me. i dont have the patience for this. currently, i'm in class and my friend is saddened by this message, haha. :)

but things from last post are not so palm-tree like, since i am back in dirty jersey. which is the best state in the union, i must add. haha. anyways. this semester has been SUPER hectic with my 400 levels, applying to graduate schools, my job and my internship! it's been really crazy trying to manage everything, just because i'm trying to make time for a minimal social life and a long distance relationship. but so far it's working, and i'm praying it stays that way.

october was the best month ever. homecoming was a blast and we beat navy! duh (: my 21st birthday was also a great time, with some wonderful people. and later that week, i flew down to see my boy for the first time in roughly 7 weeks. let me tell you, there is nothing quite like the feeling of a hug after such a long time. i know that i'll eventually have to go longer, but it was still the best feeling to feel my face light up upon seeing hi m pop out from behind the fake palm trees in the pensacola airport waiting area. that was the start of a literally perfect weekend, and i couldn't have asked for a better time. looking forward now, we only have SEVEN days<3 a week left! so excited to have him HOME<3

my internship is pretty interesting so far, the students are great , but i definitely know that i will NOT be going clinical, cause Lord knows i cannot deal with mentally ill patient forever. i want my kiddies in schools!

i'm starting to get anxiety about grad programs, and how much this is all going to cost, time and money wise. i really really hope i get int where i'm applying. So far its UWF, Montclair State, Monmouth University, NYU and Columbia. AHHHHHH im getting a headache just thinking bout it.i really really hope i get into the 36 credit programs, so i can finish by fall of 2013, which is hopefully when carlos will get winged! i am praying for SOME sort of timing to work out and for the navy to NOT screw us over. some normalcy, please and thanks.

so things with my parent re much better but i am super nervous about carlos meeting my family for the first time this thanksgiving. especially cause i dont know where its leading. i know theyll love him, but they are too damn opinionated for their own good. sigh. can't handle guyanese people. theyre too loud. sigh. but we shall see how this goes!

and no, i am not engaged.yes, my boyfriend is an ensign. no, we arent splitting up. no, i am not a midhound.  no, i do not know when he will propose. and no i will not put it on facebook. you didn't miss anything....
incase you were wondering. (;

a REALLY overdue post.

So, where should I pick up from ? Working all summer? the start of the school year, maybe.
But first, I'm going to explain my mini vacay to pensacola, florida.

On August 30th, after spending Eid with my sister all day, I drove back to my home on campus and packed. Carlos picked me up, with a super packed Nissan Altima and we got ready to embark down south with his mom. After goodbyes and a few tears, we headed out. We left at 8pm, ESt. Drove through NJ, Pennsylvania, Maryland, West Virginia (wtf is in west virginia , anyway?!), all straight. We stopped in Virginia for gas and to stretch. I fell asleep, and I woke up when we were in Tennessee (another state i never thought i'd end up in).. We were supposed to stop and sleep in Tennessee and rest but my good old boyfriend, who decided he wasn't going to stop, continued onward. Drove through Tennessee, touched Georgia. Completely baffled as to why there was a minimum speed limit, and my good friend Keri Pye explained the tendency of tractors to drive on interestates. Welcome to the South? and then we hit Alabama. Entered Central Time, and it blew my mind. CENTRAL TIME! haha. Alabamatook FOOOOOOREVER. Entered Florida. Cabin fever was unbearable, but thankfully after only two stops the entire trip, we got to our hotel in pensacola! I guess it wasn't what i expected (the town, not hotel) everything was sprawling and so spread out, and there were PALM TREES  !!! we relaxed that day, and met up with his father and little sister who were in pascagoula for work. the next day, carlos checked in to NAS pensacola and i explored the base with his mom. then we found his brand new apartment and he signed the lease!!! friday and saturday were move-in days and organizing/shopping days. somehow ended up in mobile, alabama. never want to go back to alabama again. also STILL didnt see a confederate flag. fail. got to see the navy game with jenny robida and her husband and lauren&aaron rosa at their beautiful home! thanks again for inviting us, lauren! got to meet some cool people and carlos saw some old academy friends. navy won the game! we also got hit with the hurricane, womp. first irene then that one. lol. his parents and sister left on sunday, and afterwards, me and carlos drove to columbus georgia to visit his best friend at fort benning! we spent labor day there and had a good time with brian, including visiting fort benning, the surrounding area, and the national infantry museum. and the shooting range, which i realized was NOT for me when i freaked at the sight ofbullets flying out of a big gun to the wall. STILL dont know how this is a 'family event', and i started crying hysterically. not my finest moment. after that day. then me and carlos drove back to his place so he could be prepared for briefs and stuff the following day. tuesday was a day where we visited the aviation museum on base and pensacola beach! GORGEOUSSSSSS ahhhh love it! we spent the evening watching movies and drinking wine and cuddling. loved love love it. the next morning, he had to report to base and then he drove me to the airport. smallest airport EVER. flew outta pcola to charlotte, and got stuck in charlotte cause newark was delayed. stuck in charlotte for more than 3 hours and finaally boarded and got stuck another hour. got to newark at like 8 or 9ish and back to rutgers later that night! what a trip. can't wait to head back to the beautiful gulf coast and to see my baby again!

A Much-Needed Post

So although I barely have time to breathe, I feel the need to post this. A lot has been happening within the past few days and I'm not really sure how to handle it.

Carlos leaves for Pensacola in a few weeks, and we have been trying so hard to make plans with my mom so he can finally meet her. She backed out yesterday, saying that my priorities aren't straight and she threatened to tell my non-approving father. I left for work and did not go home , I went back to my house in New Brunswick to live on my own. They keep harassing me and telling me to come home. I told them I dont feel welcome at home anymore, and Im angry my parents can't see that I am a good person with my head on straight. I dont give them trouble for any reason other than normal reasons. I dont do drugs, or anything illegal. I'm not a whore, and Im in college, pursuing grad school. The ideas that I dont have my priorities straight is absurd, especially when I support myself and am grown-up enough to accept adult responsibiities. Why , however, can't I have adult priveleges/rights?

It's really driving me crazy because I hate doing this to my family, but I dont trust them anymore. They are always switching the story and dont stick to their words. Theyll tell me everything is ok, and guilt me into coming home , and thn a week later its back to the same shit. I don't feel comfortable at home anymore.

That and telling my father solidified me being betrayed. My father will not be accepting or supportive of this. I am furious and hurt and scared.

My question is, why do I have to fight SO HARD to have something that is NORMAL to have at my age and this point in my life? Carlos is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I love him to pieces. Why would they want to take this away from me?

life update.

i kind of wish my life was more interesting. i know, i know. a navy girlfriend wanting a life of more exotic-ness, blah blah blah. (lol) but anyways.

school is going FAST. this class im taking now is only 4 weeks , so 14 weeks packed into four makes it HECTIC. i should be doing homework at the moment, but this is more appealing

work is going well too, now that i am no longer on anyone elses schedule but my own. i like doing things MY way on MY time, without anyone making me do things i don't want to. aka training. i guess i really am a very independent person.

i really LOVE having my boy home on weekends for the summer. its going to be absolutely heartbreakingly miserable to let him go when he moves to pensacola. i really do think that my absolute favorite place on earth to be is just sitting on the couch, laying on his chest. i could stay like that for HOURS. and having him home makes that so much easier to do! haha.

things have been going well so far, and i'm happy. here's hoping that they continue this way.

shout out to my haters, sorry that you couldn't phase me.

so this summer, i am working as a server at Red Lobster. It's an experience, because I've never served in a restaurant before, but it's pretty interesting. It's SO fast paced, and you'd NEVER think of it like that bc the restaurant is so quiet and serene. It's hilarious, actually. Everyone seems to be pretty chill and like a huge team, as cliche as it sounds. I hope to start making some good money soon, so that I can significantly decrease my bills and save up to afford plane tickets and rent for this upcoming year!

I'm also volunteering for the third summer in a row at Childrens Specialized Hospital. It's a rehab hospital especially for children recovering from accidents or significant trauma. They are so cute and I'm fortunate I get to work with kids! 

My summer class #1 starts next Monday! AHHH! Hopefully it won't be too bad, but I hope that the online professor gives us some information soon....and that financial aid stops effing up my loan! I got it approved before the end of MAY and they JUST credited my bill on FRIDAY! UGH! I hate Rutgers Financial Aid. I wish i was rich and didn't have to deal with it, lol. 

I really love that my boy gets to come home on weekends while hes working as a sailing instructor for plebe summer. He's got great roommates, good friends that are around still TADing, and a beautiful place to live. I'm so happy for him that he has everything falling into place. Oh, and me.... duh (: I can't wait to start our lives together - but not anytime soon, haha. We realize that we are meant for each other, and we know we will be great together. but i *must* finish college, and i dont know where i'm going to grad school yet. It's really hard to plan, because as an NFO, he can leave pensacola after a few months and head somewhere else for school! Then, he doesn't know where he can be stationed! I have a few cities that he gave me as choices, that they can send him too, but there are not many schools with the graduate degree I want. It's going to be tricky, but I'll have to figure it somehow.

As for my family - my mother is starting to accept it much more readily now, and I'm really relieved. I don't have any intentions on telling my dad. You see, the story with my family is that both of my parents are raised in different cultures, neither of which is 'american'. they disagree on EVERYTHING, and my father really hates my mother. It's pretty confusing because I really dont know how to make either of them happy. And when I want to do something that is different than what they believe (for example, an extended curfew or none at all) they get pissed b/c its 'not how they were raised.' basically, my father is the most stubborn arab man you'l ever meet in your life. if you can avoid telling him ANYTHING, do it. because hell just get mad or frustrated or whatever. that's why i dont really tell him anything about whatever, bc its pointless. he doesn't care and he'l just get mad. people wonder why i make this a big deal that i couldn't tell my parents - imagine hiding the most important thing in your life from your family for almost THREE YEARS bc you knew they would raise HELL for it. literally ANYTHING involving him. i had to do the most RIDICULOUS things to keep peace in my house bc of it. ringdance was crazy for me, and commissioning week was even harder. thankfully, i pulled both of those off. but i know that it wont be much longer till i'm graduated and DONE and moved OUT and i will no longer have to hide this relationship from ANYONE. my mom knows and is getting better with it, but its still taking time.

i really can't wait to leave home again because i will never have to deal with this craziness of my house again. people love summer, but i hate it bc of this stress it causes me. itll be over soon though....