sad, blah, mopey, blah

the title of this post is probably enough to make you want to just click the 'x' button, or say 'what is this girl going to complain about now?' but i promise, i make some valid points, even when I'm sad.

i never thought i'd be the one to say this, but i miss college. it hasn't even been a month after graduation, and i already miss it. but not for the reasons everyone else probably does. in fact, its for the exact opposite. you see, college life to a lot of people involves a lot of partying and drinking. i am not that person- i'll go out occasionally, when i am in the mood to . but i am just as content with staying in and hanging out. i am a very social person, but i'd prefer to go to apple bees or something with my friends and just chill rather than go to a bar. i love to dance, but i have to be in the mood to go out.

moving to new york sounds like every person's dream. and for a while, actually a very long time, it was mine too. i moved into my bedroom in my apartment, in alumni hall at new york university, and was ecstatic. unpacked my stuff and marveled that this was real life for me. i finally made it to my dream school. the next morning, i woke up. and realized that i essentially had nothing. i don't know anybody at this school. now, i can make friends. I'm a very social person, no matter what. but being a grad student, especially during the summer, doesn't really allow for many opportunities to make friends in class. so the people i talk to are my apartment mates. we all have single rooms in our apt. they are nice. actually two of them are nice girls. i do not like one of them, at all. but that's okay, i can deal. thats life. but what i realize about these people, and all of their friends i've met, is that these are not the people i want to socialize with. I'm sorry, but i don't really plan on taking ecstasy every night while blasting house music and getting wasted at the bar . i also don't sell drugs. my parents do not pay for my education, even though my dad makes a three figure salary. i am independent, even though i don't even have my bachelors degree mailed to my house yet. these are not the kind of people i want to associate myself with. it just makes me sick how these girls don't need to work because mommy and daddy give them money, which they spend on the stupidest shit. it makes me question their moral values. it is also very important to them who they know- perhaps that is just cause we are in the city. but its not everything in life.

i guess i just have different life perspective than these girls do. but sadly, most of the people here think lik ethat. which makes me question whether or not i belong here. i love the classes i can take and am registered for . but i do not like living in the city if these are the people I'm stuck with. i guess its a curse that I'm so social, because now i've been so alone and constantly on the phone and in my room. my roommates probably think I'm insane because i don't go out all the time with them. but thats just not me. it also helps that I'm engaged and they're all single. i joke around and call myself the old lady, but in reality, it doesn't have much to do with carlos.

having two of my friends from home visit me was absolutely phenomenal. not just cause i had people i knew, but because for a while, i felt like myself again. enjoying the city with people i know and love. having fun, being with my friends. talking and laughing.

i don't feel like myself here in new york. probably cause being myself in a situation i don't like, is not me. at all.

p-grad shenanigans

so on tuesday, the day after i moved into new york, carlos found out some pretty important news. after lots of hard work and dedication, he did not get selected for the p3 plane he wanted so badly. my heart broke for him. he took this very seriously, despite the fact that he did everything he was supposed to be selected. he was chosen to go to intermediate and fly jets instead. now you probably are thinking 'wow he's complaining cause he gets to fly jets?' well, we understand its a huge blessing and a great opportunity, but if carlos is unhappy, what is the point? there were many reasons we wanted p3/p8s, but now that we are going jets, we have to replan everything. i just feel so badly for him, because he feels that his hard work was unnoticed, and he was passed over 3 times. he had his heart set, which he cautioned himself against, but it still hurt. my only fear is that he hates his job. i hope that soon, he finds the good in his new job and everything works out!

i went from rutgers 2012 to nyu 2013....in two weeks.

On May 12th and 13th, 2012, one of my major life goals was accomplished. I graduated from college, and it was everything i thought it would be. Going to the RAC that Saturday, wearing my cap and gown and seeing all of the other psychology graduates there, lined up, made me realize that I, indeed, was graduating. iT WAS REAL. i never really felt like a college graduate up until that moment. the idea of graduating was sort of a burden because of the stress that planning brought with it. but sitting in that chair, looking up at the stands, at my mother, brother, sister, fiancé, and future mom, dad, and sister in laws, cheering me on, made everything so real. walking up to the stage was nerve wracking, but i got that piece of paper and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. i am a college graduate. people work their whole lives for that moment, and that honor and i have achieved it at the age of 21. a lot of work, money, and craziness went into that, because my college journey was not as smooth as everyone else's. but it got me where i need to be, and i can't complain.

sunday was just as exciting. except it was much hotter, and i nearly passed out, but seeing my father's face after i walked up from the stadium made it all worthwhile. he is so proud of me, and my achievements. i hadn't wanted to go to the big graduation on sunday but i am glad i did, so both of my parents had the opportunity to see me graduate college!

i was really stressed out about college graduation itself, because my parents impending divorce makes arranging family situations much more difficult. dad does not want to be anywhere near mom, but mom wanted to be everywhere. at the same time, dad did nt want to be embarrassed of the divorce around my in laws, and also did not want to see any of my moms family . thankfully, that all worked out well.

as for post graduation worries? well, i was so anxious about not having a job for several months. i am NOT the kind of person who takes unemployment well, because i tend to spend money when i'm not doing anything. i can't sit still. however, i am trying to take it in stride, while focusing on other things, like settling into grad school!

i went from a phase where i LOVED ny, to a phase where i HATED being here, to a phase somewhere in between now. new york is definitely an adjustment. i moved to a brand new place that i still don't know so well, but at least i can get around by walking or subway. but most of all, i moved away from family and friends, and about an hour further from my fiancé. it sucks, but i'm trying. i was blessed with an amazing opportunity and i gotta continue with it!

here's to four years on the banks of the old raritan  ! and about a year in the big apple (:

how i know i made the right choice.

Life decisions are never easy. This one was probably the hardest of all . As time goes on, however, i am getting more and more certain that medical school was NOT for me. This article, puts that in perspective.

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/healthyperspective/post/2012-04-26/survey-shows-best-worst-paid-doctors----and-many-regrets/681256/1

NYU

So about 10 days ago, I got an email that changed my life. I was notified of my acceptance to New York University, again. This time, however, it was for my Master's Degree. I was in shock, ecstatic. I was given a second chance at my dream school.

I was bummed about not being able to move with Carlos after graduation, but we were both so very excited at the prospect, now reality, of me moving to the city for school. I felt on top of the world, nearly invincible. For almost 22 years, i've worked so very hard and it's paying off. i felt so proud of myself.

But now, as everything is starting to settle in, i am suffering from insane anxiety. trying to get everything done so quickly, while graduating, while studying, while working 5 days a week, while dealing with my family's bullshit, including playing chauffeur, is really getting to me. i'm definitely not the person to disappoint anyone, and i get shit done. but this is affecting my health and sanity.

lucklily, i got off of work pretty early, so i tried to start filling out loan applications and deposit. of course the site isn't working for me, so that's fun. but i tried googling the tuition that i have to pay, and it says 1380 per term per unit. So a 36 credit masters is almost 50 thousand dollars. without housing. i felt the wind, the hope, the excitement literally fly out of my body. i felt absolutely hopeless. i'm seriously considering not going anymore, because by the time i get these loans out, its gonna cost me nearly as much as my entire undergraduate loan, for ONE YEAR of graduate school. that is fucking INSANE. i can't even deal. I'm going to be in debt forever. now, a doctorate degree is looking pretty near impossible, financially. i'm going to be half a million dollars in debt by the time i finish school.

i really just want to cry hysterically right now. i can't deal with all of this stress. i'm not the kind of person who gives up and quits, but this is just so insane. i have way too much on my plate and i need to relax. but i have no TIME to relax.

senioritis

anyone who has been keeping up with my Facebook statuses, or life in general, know that i am seriously so unmotivated for school. i have one month left. and i don't study. I'm lucky i go to class. although i do things like this  (i think i almost just missed a clicker question). going to class is the only way i still remember i'm a student. its hilarious, because I'm starting graduate school soon, but i'm so mentally checked out of school. it's pretty bad.

i'm just so excited for the things that are up and coming in my life. i'm still toying with my life. do i want to go to into fashion? do i want to stay in psych? i just really want my own business, and a doctoral degree. those are the two things i want, career wise, out of life. i don't know how to get them, because nothing will fulfill me until i do. i just want to have a good life and enjoy myself. I'm excited at the possibility of moving, but I'm excited at the possibility of going to an amazing school. i'm most excited, however, at the inevitability that i will FINALLY know what is going on, and not freak out about the uncertainty of my future.

still waiting for grad school updates, working on a job, and trying to see if/where i'll be moving with my fiancé! i will certainly update you all, and probably be a hell of a lot less stressed out. hopefully ill be skinnier too, with the loss of my lack-of-diet due to stress (:

a really necessary update.

So. the last time i logged into my blog, i wanted to write about my feelings regarding the premature deaths of two people i graduated high school with, class of 2008. Lukas Horvath and Kayla Ogorek both died this year, barely a month apart, of drug-related issues. Kayla, from what i understand, was pressured into trying heroin by her 'boyfriend', who watched her die of overdose. Lukas, from what I hear, used regularly, but the idea that he has a son who is barely a year or so almost doubles the intensity of the situation. Deaths are always a terrible tragedy, and the fact that they are SO young makes it even worse. They were by no means bad people. Maybe they could have made smarter decisions, but I personally knew them and they were funny, nice people. It's a shame that they were taken from us so young, so full of life. I hope they rest peacefully in heaven, where God will care for them.

It's just such a reality check. Nobody is invincible. God makes all the decisions, but for all the right reasons, no matter if we can see them now or not. We need to trust in Him and believe that these happen for good reason. Deaths at age 22 and 21, less than four years after our Sayreville War Memorial High School graduation, in June 2008, in the pouring rain and storm. i pray that we can all enjoy life and keep on the right path.


I went to write this blog post on March 11th. Sunday, March 11th, 2012. I was sitting on Carlos's couch, typing away as he and his friend Allison were preparing for a flight that they were supposed to have the next day. After Allison left, I closed my computer, intending to finish this post. Now, however, I have another event to write about, to continue it.

Going back to my feelings about these two deaths, I realized that life is not what everyone else wants for you, but what you want for yourself. Taking advice from people you love and trust is important, but people can't influence your every decision. You won't be living for the right ones. At the same time, you need to use reason, judgement, and intelligence with your thinking and decisions. Sometimes things really don't make sense, and they don't have to. but you've got to trust yourself, and if you do, things will work out the way you want them to.

March 11th, 2012 was the best day of my life. Carlos took me to the beach, at NAS Pensacola, and after a while of sitting and relaxing, presented me with gifts, and wrote/sung me a song. It was in this song that he asked me to marry him. I can't really explain the joy, the relief, the amazement, the happiness, and the contentment i feel when i think about this. when i replay the scenario, the song, his words, the rush of excitement in my mind. there's no other feeling in the world than to be loved. Carlos and I wanted to 'feel' like we were engaged before we actually were. We did not want our engagement to 'push' our relationship to a level it was not ready for. and although it SUCKS being far away, 1200 miles apart from my fiancé, we know we are stronger than ever, and we have done everything possible to make our relationship now and in the future as smooth as possible. i am excited about maintaining my own life and career, but i can't wait to be his wife one day :) i get choked up just thinking about it :)

why did i include all of this in one blog post? they both bring each other into perspective. life decisions are very important, and what you do at one moment can affect the rest of your life, and others too. when i think back on my life four years ago, right out of high school, ready to tackle the world, i never dreamed i'd be where i am now. i thought my life would be completely different- accepted into medical school, with a higher GPA, same friends, etc. who would have thought i'd be majoring in psychology and education, working in a restaurant with some great people, i'd be engaged to a naval flight officer candidate, visiting places like the United State Naval Academy, Annapolis, Baltimore, DC, Pensacola, among others. meeting girls from all over the country that have really changed my outlook on people, in a good way. my point is, life takes its turns so fast and before you know it, your life is totally different than it was a year ago. keeping God in your decisions, strength and happiness in your mind, and the people who love you as well, will lead you on a path that may be different from what you expected, but will make you happier i the long run.

and i'm so glad that is exactly what i did.